What Healing From Perfectionism Actually Looks Like
100 Things #007 - Forgive
Let’s face it—humans aren’t perfect.
I sure as hell have messed up my fair share. It seems silly to expect that anyone wouldn’t have a personal history chock full of their own mistakes and shortcomings. It’s human, and so are you.
And honestly, the writing could end there. Don’t expect perfection. Done.
But it could never really be that simple. Or else we wouldn’t have perfectionists.
We wouldn’t hold ourselves to such unattainable standards that we beat ourselves blue trying to reach, just to come up short time and time again.
It takes more than a fortune cookie-sized reminder to “accept your shortcomings” to actually learn a lesson about human limitations. Truthfully, there are a multitude of reasons why such a relatively simple piece of wisdom tends not to stick.
Often, it’s a learned behaviour. Someone or something in our life models these expectations, and they become adopted into our base-level understanding of what success looks like. It’s damaging, but it works. Sort of.
Other times, it’s a parent or someone else we look up to that pushes perfectionism onto us, expecting the world, and crushing yours when they don’t receive it. Close enough never quite seems to cut it…
This is honestly just scratching the surface, but the point boils down to something relatively simple.
Put briefly, it never has been and never will be realistic to expect “perfect.”
Why? Because it hurts. Normalizing “perfect” sets an unfair bar that one constantly feels they need to strive for, where failing is common and exceeding expectations is, by definition, impossible.
Oh, and I know the coping mechanisms well—my personal favourite was self-handicapping to push the blame elsewhere in hopes of saving face, staving off some of the hurt.
Yet, often, the damage is already done. A childhood’s worth of shooting for the stars has left its scars, and we’re left trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered sense of self-worth.
So, what now?
It’s not easy, and it likely won’t work for everyone, but for me, the first step has to be to forgive.
Some individuals’ first instinct may be to forgive those who contributed to setting those unrealistic standards in the first place, and yes, that no doubt will help in the long run for repairing oneself.
But what I believe takes precedence is attempting to forgive the self.
It’s something that takes time, and there are so many ways to do wrong, but the end result allows for growth and real healing.
Forgiving the self does not look like pushing the blame onto others. The end goal is not to build resentment in the interest of putting a band-aid on one’s self-esteem.
Forgiving does not look like lying to oneself about the damage done. Hiding from the monster doesn’t make it real. It bottles something in that needs to be let out.
What forgiving looks like is honesty with oneself.
It is so often the only way to cut through all of the fallacious beliefs we hold so close to our chests, almost as though we think we can actually trick ourselves into believing them.
Every person’s individual journey with forgiving looks different, so I’m not going to sit here and prescribe anyone a recipe for healing, but what I do recommend is that each person starts their process sooner rather than later, because there are very rarely shortcuts.
Cut yourself some slack, recognize that the past is behind you, and give it your best.
I’ll leave you here with a few journaling prompts for those who want to do a bit of guided thinking around this topic:
Reflect on a time when you felt pressured to achieve perfection or meet unrealistic standards. How did this affect your self-esteem and well-being?
Consider the coping mechanisms you've used to deal with the external pressures of your work. How have these strategies helped or hindered your personal growth and self-acceptance?
Explore any fears or obstacles you may have about forgiving yourself. What is holding you back from letting go of past mistakes and moving forward with self-compassion?
With all that off my chest, I’d love to hear if any of you begin to work on this, or if you’ve already started your own journey of forgiving.
I’ll be waiting to hear about all of your journeys with forgiveness in the email replies and the comments below.
For now, have a good week, and I’ll see you at 100.