Saying No to Save My Sanity

100 Things #026 - Say No

Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash

I wasn’t always able to say “no.”

There have been plenty of times when my goodwill and people-pleasing tendencies have gotten me into trouble, and I’ve been left to pick up the pieces of a “yes” that did me dirty.

One of the most valuable skills we learn in life is the ability to be comfortable saying “no” when the situation arises where it becomes necessary to do so. It’s not always easy, but that’s part of what makes it a skill. There’s power in “no,” but it’s up to each person to develop that power for themselves.

It’s no secret that people who can’t find it in themselves to give a “no” when it’s required are much more likely to get trampled in the social stepladder that we so often find ourselves in. 

Yet, there are several layers to developing that skill that often get taken for granted by those well-acquainted with “no.” A strong sense of autonomy, confidence, a sense of priority, the ability to defer from expectation… The list goes on. 

Most people can remember a time when a “yes” got them into a situation they would have rather been anywhere else during. 

It just feels… gross. 

So then why even say yes in the first place? 

It feels the right thing to do to help those asking for help. And god forbid we end up missing out on a good time and triggering all those FOMO parts of the brain that love to drive us nuts?

It’s very easy for some to default to “yes.” It rubs the part of your brain that wants to feel approval and recognition the right way. And logic like this is largely the reason why some tend to fire off yesses at every opportunity available. 

And so it remains a secret held by the chosen few that it can feel even better to say no.

There’s a sort of empowerment to be gained from asserting one’s own autonomy on the rest of the world, and really putting oneself first where it counts. 

No doubt, the in-group/out-group mentality behind our monkey brains would have it that people-pleasing whenever possible is the thing that will score us the most points in the social hierarchy, but I think it’s safe to say that a few thousand generations of evolution have done us the favour of being able to move past such primitive understandings of what makes society tick.

If anyone out there is looking for the green light to be able to start saying “no,” this is it. It’s okay, I promise. 

It’ll probably take some practice, and that’s okay, most things do. 

There will naturally be some untraining that has to be done to be able to say no those first few times. If it feels wrong, the only way to push through that feeling it to do it again and again, continuing to prioritize your own wants and well-being until it feels second nature to put yourself first. 

Okay, this little rant has maybe become a little more self-helpy than my usual post. 

But I do believe that this mentality can be a big game-changer for those people just beginning to learn where and how they fit into the larger social structures around them, and to those people, good luck; it’s a journey.

I’ll leave you here with a few journaling prompts for those who want to do a bit of guided thinking around this topic:

• What are your top three priorities in your personal and professional life? How often do you say "yes" to things that do not align with these priorities?

• List all your current commitments. Which ones truly bring you joy and fulfillment? Which ones feel more like obligations?

• Write about a recent time you said "no" and felt good about it. What positive outcomes resulted from that decision?

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For now, have a good week, and I’ll see you at 100.